Emet-Selch's questionable life choices

yip yap yop

BEES!

Weapons-grade plutonium

angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night

nunchuck moves

pictures of boobs

fascinating statistics

queefing

making a friend

The Force

the Apollo-Soyuz handshake

a zesty breakfast burrito

precious bodily fluids

LSD

a soulful rendition of "Ol' Man River"

La-hee!

having been dead for a while

the weird backwards knees that cats have

three dicks at the same time

fourteen werewolves

finding Waldo

pooping on mute

clenched buttcheeks

the left butt, but only the left one

Mr. Clean, right behind you

interspecies marriage

white people

Santa's heavy sack

a Christmas stocking full of coleslaw

gift-wrapping a live hamster

giving birth to the Antichrist

establishing dominance

quiche

testicular torsion

Ronald Reagan

a supermassive black hole

a gleaming powered exoskeleton

hot people

The Gays®

Khakis

the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir

a slightly shittier parallel universe

brain-eating amoebas

ripping into a man's chest and tearing out his still-beating heart

sweet, sweet vengeance

harnessing the miraculous power of the atom

rock music and premarital sex

not wearing pants

smoking crack, for instance

getting quite high

free samples

disco fever

Daddy

not believing in the existence of giraffes

inscrutable Western beauty standards

a disappointing birthday party

flightless birds

Sean Connery

10 Incredible Facts About The Anus

passive-aggressive Post-It notes

running naked through a mall pissing and shitting everywhere

emotions

evolving a labyrinthine vagina

enormous Scandinavian women

sperm whales

foreskin

elf cum

blowjobs for everyone

the Star Wars Holiday Special

grandma

the tiniest shred of evidence that God is real

a homoerotic volleyball montage

a surprising amount of hair

reconciling quantum theory with general relativity

seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes

Genghis Khan

shiny objects

a saxophone solo

the pirate's life

MEAT. just meat.

assless chaps

complaining that all chaps are inherently assless so the concept of assless chaps is fundamentally incoherent

off-label uses of electricity

pigeons

a ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings

socks

the mere concept of Applebees

chicken nuggies

putting an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the VCR

getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick

vigilante justice

a time travel paradox

balls

blessed silence

clearing a bloody path through Walmart with a scimitar

the Devil himself

some goddamned peace and quiet

a mating display

a visually arresting turtleneck

blowing some dudes in an alley

Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum

the true meaning of Christmas

my soul

reading a goddamn book

Republicans

Dick Cheney's confused ghost

double penetration

cuddlin'

my sex life

getting so angry that you pop a boner

edible undergarments

an unhinged ferris wheel gently rolling towards the sea

getting naked and watching Nickelodeon

the American Dream

an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist

a gassy antelope

hot dogshit

spontaneous human combustion

licking things to claim them as your own

an unstoppable tide of fire ants

50,000 volts straight to the nipples

butt stuff

a USB-powered detachable penis

my collection of high-tech sex toys

out-of-this-world bazongas

a sad handjob

eating an entire snowman

taking off your shirt

a protracted siege

shapeshifters

a bird wearing a jaunty lil' hat

chugging a lava lamp

a kiss on the lips

peeing

the Care Bear Stare

the inevitable heat death of the universe

more like the heat *life* of the universe

boogers

a bitchslap

ennui

slooooowly easing down onto a cucumber

a cool spaceship

full frontal nudity

getting abducted by Peter Pan

moderate-to-severe joint pain

a really cool hat

lactation

Velcro

fear itself

wearing glasses and sounding smart

one thousand Slim Jims

nipples

something that looks like a box but turns out to be a crate

something that looks like a crate but turns out to be a box

a world without cardboard boxes

the Land of Chocolate

an evil man in evil clothes

hipsters

the harsh light of day

Loki, the trickster god

all of this blood!

the male gaze

buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo

a spontaneous Bollywood dance interlude

crab rave

Jafar

frolicking

a man on the very brink of orgasm

the Pope

Count Chocula

a falcon with a cap on its head

all you can eat shrimp for $4.99

the fiery poops

a panties vending machine

slowly evaporating

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer

a pyramid of severed heads

achieving reproductive success

the transience of all things

the Hawai'ian goddess Kapo and her flying, detachable vagina

growing a pair

pulling out

one TRILLION dollars

having sex on top of a pizza

Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament

Bees?

a box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer

the concept of infinity

curling up in a sunbeam

Scientology

vigorous jazz hands

being nine years old

an army of skeletons

a nose shaped weirdly like a dick

goblins

a dance move that everyone knows is really just sex

being knowledgeable in a narrow domain that nobody understands

a murder most foul

centaurs

a good sniff

bullshit

the quiet majesty of the sea turtle

daddy issues

opposable thumbs

cybernetic enhancements

Aaron Burr

sexy pillow fights

all these decorative pillows

whispering all sexy

giant sperm from outer space

a vague fear of something called ISIS

nothing

magnets

racism

shaft

an Etsy steampunk strap-on

a boo-boo

oxytocin release via manual stimulation of the nipples

farting and walking away

flying sex snakes

Bill Clinton, naked, on a bearskin rug, with a saxophone

my first kill

cannibalism

concealing a boner

Uranus

power

a bag of magic beans

my favourite knife

immaculate conception

a face full of horse jizz

dying of dysentery

a mouthful of subpar potato salad

screaming like a maniac

the day the birds attacked

a boxing match against a giant box

a box within a box

a rival dojo

David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lightning

heartwarming orphans

shutting the fuck up

a nuanced critique

the Holy Bible

a box

being worshipped as the one true God

social anxiety

the tiger that killed my father

sniffing glue

a sufficiently pissed-off Spanish chicken farmer

SCIENCE!

being a busy adult with important things to do

creepy FFXIV retainers

being on fire

dorito breath

the weird way cats' paws smell

kale

unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks

poop

making a pouty face

mad hacky-sack skills

the inherent sex appeal of motorcycles

New Age music

the Hamburglar

a magic hippie love cloud

my "elixir field"

weird Taoist sex magic

explosions

walking away from explosions to be cool

a sea of troubles

the Grinch's musty, cum-stained pelt

giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet

the Patriarchy

the Sun engulfing the Earth

a fart

an oversized lollipop

a gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry

doing the right thing

people with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is

yiffing

cutting off a flamingo's legs with garden shears

drinking ten 5 Hour ENERGYs to get fifty continuous hours of energy

laying an egg

oviposition

the size of my penis

the miracle of childbirth

bullets

a bucket of fish heads

the hiccups

being turned on by sneezing

Genghis Khan's DNA

unsheathing my massive horse cock

a sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness

crushing Mr. Peanut's brittle body

the weird advertisement campaign about finding Mr. Peanut's heir

robots that just want to party

geese

masturbation

costume jewelry

riding off into the sunset

getting hilariously gangbanged by the Blue Man Group

the dentist

a cop who is also a dog

basic human decency

Fuck Mountain

a sex goblin with a carnival penis

a PowerPoint presentation

the Backrooms

the entire Internet

world peace

"Me" time

friction

P.F. Chang, himself

gladiatorial combat

maximal insertion

being haunted by "Sweet Caroline"

dick fingers

chainsaws for hands

heteronormativity

the South

a tribe of warrior women

Darth Vader

spending a fuckton of money

Blockbuster late fees up the wazoo

checking out books from the library you know you won't get around to reading

all the single ladies

being a dinosaur

strong female characters

a complex geopolitical quagmire

a crazy little thing called love

switching to Geico

your car's extended warranty

bouncing up and down

the critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV

a falcon with a box on its head

catapults

trebuchets

a piñata full of scorpions

three consecutive seconds of joy

the moist, demanding chasm of his mouth

soup that's too hot

the unbelievable world of mushrooms

celibacy

the human body

the light of a billion suns

big dick energy

Rush Limbaugh's soft, shitty body

yeast

a tiny horse

the ooze

vegetarian options

moral ambiguity

warm, velvety muppet sex

fucking a corpse back to life

pixelated bukkake

the eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion

graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content

self-flagellation

Krampus, the Austrian Christmas monster

lumberjack fantasies

taking a man's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and then his balls in the eye holes

an Oedipus complex

a weird little guy from the Internet

taint tanning

a balanced breakfast

slicing a ham in icy silence

being fabulous

cute boys

the dying breath of the last human

sports

Harry Potter erotica

making the penises kiss

3.7 billion years of evolution

drinking responsibly

trippin' balls

a fetus

a crappy little hand

Texas

a magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography

finger painting

like, a million alligators

jizzing into Santa's beard

falling into the toilet

a sweaty, panting leather daddy

TWO sweating, panting leather daddies

living in a trashcan

whatever on Earth a McRib is actually made of

a bitchin' penny whistle solo

getting in his pants, politely

a bass drop so huge it tears the starry vault asunder to reveal the face of God

foreplay

sharks with legs

fingering

gay aliens

teaching a robot to love

these low, low prices!

Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa

gainful employment

the invisible hand

what Jesus would do

my hot cousin

a monkey smoking a cigar

a squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles

Space Jam on VHS

One Ring to rule them all

filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding

existing

the kool-aid man

all of the poop inside of my body

the fact that all of your bones are wet

Hillary Clinton's death stare

object permanence

a bus full of Amish people

fisting

words, words, words

saying "I love you"

me

Josh Allen's fursona

a single, sad little dollop of sour cream

a bowl of gourds

a festive flower arrangement

one unforgettable night of passion

treasures beyond your wildest dreams

construction of additional pylons

unresolved sexual tension

the safe word

the most fucked up pizza you've ever seen

wearing an octopus for a hat

ambiguous sarcasm

a 55-gallon drum of lube

precisely the correct amount of J-Lube powder to mix up a 55-gallon drum of lube

man meat

crucifixion

Oompa-Loompas

a mopey zoo lion

the clitoris

exactly what you'd expect

being a very good boy

G-d

having four arms

cock

dick

inappropriate yodeling

wet dreams

genuine human connection

a stray pube

having anuses instead of eyes

jizz

Bad Dragon cumlube

crying and shitting and eating spaghetti

a can of whoop-ass

tasteful sideboob

sunshine and rainbows

dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up

just the tip

a micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties

extremely tight leather pants

ominous background music

consensual sex

sneezing, farting, and cumming all at the same time

never having sex again

vikings

a bleached asshole

beefin' over turf

being a motherfucking sorceror

changing a person's mind with logic and facts

tongue

my large adult son

leveling up

peeing a little bit

a cooler full of organs

a refreshing beverage

ejaculating live bees and the bees are very angry

a windmill full of corpses

becoming a blueberry

getting shot out of a cannon

the folly of man

dem titties

mooing

dark and mysterious forces beyond our control

the Boy Scouts of America

the thin veneer of situational causality that undergirds all porn

pandas having sex

a spontaneous conga line

authentic Mexican cuisine

two whales fucking the absolute shit out of each other

being popular and good at sports

Fancy Feast

doin' it in the butt

figgy pudding

nipple blades

an overwhelming variety of cheeses

the art of seduction

Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king

whippin' it out

a pile of squirming bodies

the power of the Dark Side

men

generally having no fucking clue what's going on

building a ladder of hot dogs to the moon

the Great Lizard Uprising of 2352

hot cheese

a fleshlight

the Big Bang

agriculture

driving into a tornado to learn about tornadoes

David Attenborough watching us mate

fucking up "Silent Night" in front of 300 parents

a box-shaped man

a man-shaped box

being awesome at sex

a self-microwaving burrito

setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Ohio

the swim team, all at once

clams

a hopeless amount of spiders

a for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes

synergistic management solutions

crumbs all over the goddamned carpet

a zero-risk way to make $2000 from home

the homosexual agenda

insatiable bloodlust

a whole lotta woman

Gandalf

a fortuitous turnip harvest

a box that is conscious and wishes it weren't a box

waking up half naked in a Denny's parking lot

reading the entire goddamn end user license agreement

spectacular abs

an alternate universe in which boxes store valuable things inside of people

pumping out a baby every nine months

a disappointing salad

some shit-hot guitar licks

an erection that lasts longer than four hours

when you fart and a little bit comes out

an ass disaster

deez nuts

destroying the evidence

Lunchables

fun and interesting facts about rocks

a web of lies

multiple stab wounds

photosynthesis

a whole new kind of porn

giving someone a new kink

waiting until marriage

historical revisionism

a shiny rock

scrotum tickling

same-sex ice dancing

Zeus' sexual appetites

hope

tentacle porn

summer camp

shapes and colours

Bill Nye the Science Guy

swiftly achieving orgasm

a cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out your anus

dat ass

swooping

the Rapture

prancing

being a motherfucking box

a lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching on to your taint

unfathomable stupidity

throwing a virgin into a volcano

owls, the perfect predator

a simultaneous nightmare and wet dream involving Sigourney Weaver

sucking all of the milk out of a yak

glory holes

a manhole

unquestioning obedience

the color "puce"

some really fucked-up shit

my sex dungeon

your sex dungeon

a peyote-fueled vision quest

a live studio audience

a giant powdery manbaby

the little engine that could

AXE body spray

a buttload of candy

pooping back and forth forever

estrogen

the amount of gay i am

genetically engineered super soldiers

the sweet song of sword against sword and the braying of mighty war beasts

turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels

walking into a glass door

accidentally writing the gays into your fictional world and never living it down

24-hour media coverage

a vagina that leads to another dimension

free ice cream, yo

suddenly having an extra, bonus penis

puppies!

copping a feel